You may have been friends since grade school, but that doesn’t mean you have to be friends forever. If someone is making bad choices and constantly trying to drag you down with them, then it may be time to terminate the friendship. Thing is, ending it badly can cause you grief. “It’s important to end a toxic friendship gracefully so you minimize the toxicity,” says Dr. Jan Yager, Ph.D.,author of When Friendship Hurts. Here’s how to do it right away.
*DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DUMP HIM?
Is this person going through something that you don’t want to be part of right now or is his behavior so awful that you never want to see him again? If he is going through a tough time, then it may not be a good time to judge his worthiness as a pal. Think it through carefully; because once you dump a friend, there is little chance of reconciliation.
*SUGGEST A COOLING-OFF PERIOD.
Yager suggests that some friendships can be saved by stepping back from a bad situation. This stops you from saying or doing something irretrievable. Giving yourself a chance to chill out can put things in perspective. Staying away from that friend for a few days or months could make things OK again later on.
*EASE OUT OF IT.
The least stressful way to end a friendship is to try to gently phase it out of your life. Being busy when they suggest hanging out may mean that they take a hint. This way, everyone saves face-the two of you just drifted apart. “Big confrontations may be dramatic, but after the excitement has diminished, those involved may feel residual anger that takes a lot longer to fade away than if the ending were handled in a more subtle, graceful way,” says Yager.
“Sometimes, however, it’s not possible to end a toxic friendship slowly. The situation requires a dramatic and sudden action,” says Yager. For example, if a friend steals from you, a confrontation is pretty much unavoidable. You need to stay your piece, but in a way that will not fuel a vendetta. Make it clear that what he has done is unacceptable and that you can no longer be friends with him, but try to stay cool (tough to do but so worth it) without resorting to slurs and insults.
Being dumped by a friend is the ultimate blow, so you need to handle this awkward interaction as gracefully as possible. Explain that it is not him you are rejecting but the way the two of you interact. Be honest and nice so that both of you get out of the confrontation with your dignity intact. “This reduces the potential of despair related to the end of an intimate relationship,” says Yager.
* STAY NICE
Once the dream is over, it can be tempting to unload on your other friends, but this should be avoided. If people ask why you are no longer friends with so-and-so, resist the urge to spill and give the same reasons you gave so-and-so. It does you no credit to dis an ex-pal. We all know there are two sides to every story, and who’s to say you’ll get the sympathy if he tells too?
*UNDERSTAND THEIR FEELINGS
If your friend gets upset and vents about you, let it go. Don’t respond to insults or gossip about the end of the friendship.
* SEEK SUPPORT IF THEY HOLD A GRUDGE.
If your ex-friend starts making life difficult in ways that verge on criminal behavior, don’t be afraid to seek support from your parents or even the police. Nobody has a right to intimidate you because you don’t want to hang out with him anymore.
*MAKE BETTER CHOICES NEXT TIME.
“Find more positive friends or spend more time with those friends who are there for you,” suggests Yager, then there’s less possibility of getting into his awkward situation again. Just think of all the extra time you’ll have to hang out with people who make you happy-life’s too short to spend it with people who don’t.
Thanks to Lola Augustine Brown from Vancouver, Canada. (Health&Home2007:May-June:pp.36-37)
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